Here is the thing - IT SUCKS! Life will never be the same. It will never be what you planned, it will never be what you wanted. Recently people have said to me that I am adjusting to my "New Normal" and not to pick on my friend Troy but we are still dealing with Covid - 19 issues and he said to
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Honestly, I am not a grief expert! That is right- I go out and do fun things with my kids, family, friends, dog and alone. And I hope that one day the smiling face that I put on right now will one day be 100% genuine! Because life is worth living. And the reality is the alternative sucks more. I don't want my children messed up for the rest of their lives. I want them to not only survive but thrive!
This is so incredible hard. For us my oldest son turned 18, 3 weeks after my husband died and what would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary was two days later.
Let's take these separately.
A) Birthdays of the living
Grief and sadness are underlying everything in your world from here forward but it doesn't need to be the center of everything. I got very angry when my oldest child and the first to celebrate a birthday after my husband's passing, received a birthday card with a hand written note that began "Dearest XXX, At this sad time...." Just as my husband's posture dropped when people asked how he was doing, so did my son's posture drop! This was his birthday, a day to celebrate, NOT a date to be reminded that you should be sad! I am not saying suppress the feelings but they certainly don't need to be stirred to the surface unnecessarily!
B) Wedding Anniversaries
My first wedding anniversary was less than a month after my husband died! Hard enough in it's own right, but at 6:16 AM my time, I get a text message from my mother-in-law saying "Today is one of the tougher days. Thinking of you, XXX" Well thank you Captain Obvious! Did I need for you to tell me it would be difficult? Did you think I had forgotten what day it was? Did you think that I would go through the whole day, completely oblivious to that fact that it was my anniversary, the first one without my husband and that I needed to be woken up at 6:16 AM to a text you sent at 5:16 am reminding me that my day was going to suck! Nope! Didn't need it! And certainly didn't need it from you!
C) Holidays - Including Mother/Father's Day, Christmas, Easter etc.
Birthday and anniversary of the deceased death.
My mother in law drove my husband and I crazy getting drunk and calling us for every anniversary or birthday of her 2nd husband, mother/father, aunt, sister, etc. I have vowed not to be that person! Not because I don't feel bad for her, but to me grief is intensely personal. Sounds hypocritical to say that grief is intensely personal from the person writing this and yet say something about another person's grief. Her grief is her own, your own and my own. Just as I choose to share many of the details of my experience with you and others, I also choose to share them differently and choose not to share them in the same way as another.
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