Supporting you & your Household
How do you tell family
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How do you tell your children
Go to the tab on children.
How do you tell friends
This is a kind of whatever works for you section. I/We told our friends in a number of ways depending upon how close they are to us, who I remembered to include and who might have been helping out or in town at the moment.
Some of our friends where immediately in the loop and concerned because they were the ones that alerted us to the yellow color of Eric's skin, prompting him to call the doctor and ultimately go to the ER.
How to talk to the terminally ill?
Let's start with saying Hello. Seems simply right? You see someone and you say, "Hello, how are you?"
Now let us just think about that for a moment! You just asked a person who is going to die, "how are you?" And now I ask you to think, do you really want the answer to that question? Because here is the answer, "I am dying and feel like crap!" If the words aren't bad enough, I ask you to imagine the scene. The posture that was upright, now dropped. The smile replaced with frown. The excitement to see you, now replaced with the sadness of knowing that the time he gets to spend with you is short.
Is this really the way you want to spend your time with your friend who is dying? Is this really the way you want to spend the time you have left, starting off with depression and sadness?
Here is what I put in a post only 3 weeks after my husband had been diagnosed:
Try not to ask Eric how he feels or how he is doing. Because the answer is he never feels great and it is really depressing what is happening here. Eric will be honest with you "I feel like shit, I am dying! That is how I am doing!"
Try saying it is good to see you. We missed you. Give him a handshake or better yet a hug!
Let's talk about all the fun we are having. Whether it be over the phone or in person. Eric is leaving the medical and treatment talks with the doctors. What we want is for us to share life with you! For all of us to live out our best life!
I received a ton of feedback from friends that this was a very valuable post. That they had never really thought about it, "how are you?" But just point it out , made them think. I would add to the above and suggest also: I am grateful that we get to spend this time together.
How friends & family can support you.
Utilizing your support network has never been more important than it is right now! You need their help and their support. Even if you or your spouse is a person, like me that could handle everything on your own, you have now met your match! Even if at this moment you "have it", there will come a moment very quickly that you won't have it! Before you hit the breaking point, let friends, family and co-workers help!
I am not suggesting that you let them walk all of you. (Because there are those who are only self-interested, that will want to take control of your life and tell you what is best for you. See Pitfalls for more details on this subject.
Following is a list of ways people can help. You make choices on the ways people can help you fit you needs and lifestyle best. Meaning if you are private people make choices that fit your needs
- Bring Meals - Have a friend setup and manage meals to be brought to your home. Here are the things to consider when people bring meals. Most of the time you will have leftovers. Some families are not leftover people. (Learn to love them, it will make your life so much easier.) But also consider that it can be an added chore just to manage the leftovers before things go bad and you forget to put things in the freezer before they go bad. {this should be an attached list} 2-3 days a week is usually plenty no matter how large or small your family is. Meals can also be gift cards to your favorite restaurants. Make a list with specific names or places you enjoy, rather than just saying "anything". Include a pizza delivery or take and bake place, Are there fast food places that you like? Be sure to list those; sandwich shops, burger places, coffee shops, etc. Having a gift card for that random meal or snack can be a last minute save! A couple of words of caution: food allergies or issues. I have a son who has a true food allergy, meaning his throat starts to close with certain foods or contaminants of those foods in food he consumes, but even if the issues with food are not that sever, having other folks bring meals might invite more trouble. So try, having someone bring cut up fruit. Cooked meet dishes. Provide approved recipes. Also, encourage people to go beyond the trusted lasagna and casserole dish unless you really love that sort of thing. Pulled pork. Taco bar items, are also good items. But trust me if you can have someone bring meals once in a while, it will really help.
The pitfalls of family
So this is a whole section in and of itself! I don't know what it is about family that makes them crazy, but crazy they are. Don't get me wrong there are those family members that are super helpful, don't push, and respect your space, but then there are the others,,,,,,
- Too helpful
- Not helpful enough.
- Wanting constant communications. Text or Call me everyday. Which is fine, IF that is the type of relationship you have had with the family member previously, but if it isn't don't feel like you have to start now. Remember this is about you and your family that lives in the same house with you. You get to make your own choices.
- Family members that say the most rude things
- Wanting to visit all the time. Keep in mind that they are in fact sick and do need more rest.
- Placing their values above yours. I found that some of our family members had very perverse ideas of what they are "entitled" to from the terminally ill!
- Family members thinking that they know more than you about your disease, your situation, your kids, your financials, your wishes, your anything. But the reality is, no one, but no one can climb in your head and know your thoughts, feelings and desires.
The pitfalls of friends
My personal experience is and was that friends are so much better than family. They respect you and your wishes more. Maybe because family feels "entitled" just because they are family.
This being said, people respond differently to this type of news. Some of the people who you thought would be your rock and your person to lean on will fail you! But then again, you will have others that you may not expected anything from that turn out to be the most supportive!